Mordheim

Xhilipepa And Lukbihindyu The Saurus
By Xhilipepa <[email protected]>

While the next batch of chilli is simmering (you lot are permanently hungry!), I'll take a few moments to tell you all of another tale of bravery and wit in the hot lands of Lustria.

I was resting on the laurels of my inspired defeat of Mazzy's skink champion Tiklmi, who owed me a debt of gratitude for ensuring his place by the Lord's side, when Mazzy came up with a boast that I simply could not let lie. He claimed that I, Xhilipepa, Halfling Chef and Intrepid Explorer, may be fast but could not possibly defeat another of his champions in a test of strength! Ludicrous, I answered, and urged him to choose another of his champions for me to contest in a battle to the ground.

I have one thing to say in my defence of such a retrospectively seeming maniacal gesture. I expected a skink. I, needless to say, did not get a skink - I got a saurus.

The saurus are as strong as the skinks are fast. Towering over six feet, each saurus's arm is as thick as a middenheim wrestler's thigh. Their legs resemble small tree trunks. They spurn armour, instead relying on their rock-hard scales for protection in battle. Even the foul minions of chaos (and occasionally their fowl mutations) have been known to balk in the face of such utter power. I have no false pride, and I do not mind admitting that I was somewhat apprehensive of our meeting.

"Get a hold of yourself, Xhil, you've faced worse than this!" - not strictly true, but it helped to a certain extent. I sat down and with characteristic brainpower began to think rationally. Obviously I could not hope to defeat the beast in a straight battle of strength, so I had to approach the problem from a different angle. Saurus were stupid and large; there must be something that I could use to my advantage... as I sat, a plan slowly formed. I laughed aloud on its realisation, causing Mazzy to look curiously at me. I gazed right back at him, the picture of innocence...

The day of the fight dawned, and despite my undeniably cunning plan, I was still apprehensive of our meeting. The contest would be held in one of the beautiful clearings surrounded by old trees common to the area. I arrived at the scene of the fight, and for the first time got a glimpse of my opponent. The features I described before were common to Saurus - this, of course, was one of Mazzy's personal champions. His skin was a stark albino white, seen by the Lizardpeople to be a mark of greatness. He stood over seven feet tall, muscled to the same degree as some of the smaller giants I have seen. This was not going to be easy.

The dropping of a palm leaf by the Lord marked the beginning of the contest. No weapons were permitted in the ring - a safety precaution, although why they thought the Saurus needed protection from me I have never been able to fathom. With all their denial of weapons, they failed to prohibit the judicious use of foodstuffs in the ring...

Lukbihindyu took a powerful swing at me, which I only just dodged. His ham sized fist struck the ground next to me, and I could have sworn the earth shook. He took another swing; but I was not there! he looked around suspiciously, but could not see me anywhere. I, of course, knew exactly where I was - crouching between his legs, buying time to get out my little bag of chillis that I carry in my sock in case of an emergency. I took one out, letting the smell waft up to his nose, and sure enough a head came down to see where the delicious smell was coming from. I tossed it to him, allowing him to eat it while backing out from under his legs. He turned around, in anticipation of another treat, but I continued retreating, with a chilli held in my outstretched hand. He followed me dumbly, panting for more, and I tossed it to him. He caught it in his mouth, chewing it with five inch long canines.

The odd exchange of chillis continued for a total of three more. I wept inwardly at the waste of such perfect specimens of chillihood, but staunchly continued. My last chilli - and my back was to a tree. I held it out just in front of the trunk, and Lukbihindyu, impatient for another, charged recklessly at it. A foolish move - my plan reached its culmination as I whipped my hand out of the way, chilli following, and the great brute slammed headfirst into an age old oak. He fell backwards, unconscious. There was a creaking that grew in intensity... and the tree gradually keeled over. I wandered to the centre of the ring in the aftermath, absent mindedly chewing on the winning chilli, and bowed deeply to Mazzy and his retinue to gales of applause.

In appreciation, Mazzy presented me with a burnished copper cooking pot, enchanted by himself to stay permanently clean. His arts are quite incredible - occasionally even a seasoned and experienced explorer like myself gaped in awe. You eat from that very pot now, my friends. Again displaying halfling generosity, I required that Lukbihindyu retain his post, pointedly reminding Lord Maz that anything with the power to fell such an ancient jungle tree could not be completely useless; gaining his friendship on top of Tiklmi's. The secrets of halfling culinary martial arts had triumphed again.

I have many more tales to tell of my sojourn with Lord Mazdamundi of Itza, of the fearsome Cold Ones and mighty Kroxigors, and of course how I saved Itza from a Dark Elf incursion with only the help of my blowpipe and a Terradon loaned by Maz himself... but I see the chilli is ready, so they will wait for another day. Chilli con Fungi, anyone?